http://m.youtube.com/index?desktop_uri=%2F&gl=AU#/watch?v=PRCuAVzJdKA

I can eat: cruskits and butter, fruit, yogurt and sparkling water. I can't bare to cook, eat meat or fish, or even smell any kitchen smells. I have so many work events this time of year and have to hide this! I feel so sick.

So tired all the time with this pregnancy. Tired of work, need to be more masculine regarding getting this promotion. I've been pathetic and have gotten nowhere and I'll always regret it if I go off on maternity leave without getting promoted. I'll never get promoted if that happens.

Excited about Tori and Kate's upcoming albums.

Love Goyte. Can't get "Somebody that I used to know" out of my head.

Work is insane. I want to escape. Too much.

The Ship Song project

The Ship Song Project - Sydney Opera House reinterprets Nick Cave's iconic song.

Performed by Neil Finn, Kev Carmody and The Australian Ballet, Sarah Blasko, John Bell, Angus and Julia Stone, Paul Kelly and Bangarra Dance Theatre, Teddy Tahu Rhodes and Opera Australia, Martha Wainwright, Katie Noonan and The Sydney Symphony, The Temper Trap, Daniel Johns and the Australian Chamber Orchestra.

Love these songs...

Go for it.

Hubby really made me think after I went through some of my issues with him. He never pretends to be nice - he just says what he thinks - even if it seems harsh at first.

He told me I overthink and if I really want something, I just have to do it. If I keep thinking too much and being all unsure, I either don't have the drive or don't deserve it. He said I can either accept that I'm weak and accept that I won't ever get to the top of my game, because of being weak, or I can just be ruthless and get off my arse and go for it.

He's so right. If I think too much and don't just strive, I don't deserve to be the best. The really high achievers push and push and don't worry about all the crap I worry about - including having to feel important and having people make me feel certain ways - it's pathetic.

You know, these last few days I've really had a think about who cares about me.

I have friends, and plenty of people like me, but few are truly there for me - no matter what.

I shouldn't waste my thoughts on those who like me but who aren't there for me. It just hurts me when I feel they're all hot and cold and when they sometimes are wonderful and sometimes don't seem to care. I can't take that anymore.

I know who the special ones are - the ones who truly care. I will care for them and not let the others get anywhere near me.

So - I am no longer under anyone's spell. I give as much as I care to. I love as much as I need to. I am loyal and grateful as much as I should be.

Breathe Me...

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

in other news...

I don't normally talk work issues here, and I won't go into any details, but after the last two days of work retreat-type stuff, I have really worked out that I need to start making serious decisions and pushing for what benefits my career. I can't stay where I am because it's comfortable and because I like certain people.

It's pathetic and it's just going to stagnate me.

And it's also going to hurt me - very badly - because I might be loyal to those I care about, I might admire or look up to people, I might be happy doing anything they say, but I can't trust them to be loyal to me and act entirely in my best interests. It would be naive to do that.

I have to ask to move on up.

Hubby tells me that until I get the guts to open my mouth and ask for what i want, I don't deserve to be a manager on that level. He says that despite all the crap I complain about with it being a man's world, I need to quit thinking and start doing, because that's just the way things are, and if I know that and don't compete or adapt, I'll just get left behind.

In other words, I shouldn't be a nice girl, doing nice work and making someone else look good - I should "man up" and get the recognition I deserve.

He's right.

Gawd - I'm such a girl though. (This kind of shit, this kind of thinking, is why I'll never be happy).

Keeping my head above water

I will not crash.

I have an amazing life.
I have totally made it.

I won't focus on the failure, the numerous longings and the pointless 4kg I'm now carrying, I will focus on my wonderful life.

Song of Solomon

Song of Solomon (Director's Cut version)



Kate's new album came out. I've listened online over and over and I love it. It took time - just like all her music - particularly since she's re-working songs so loved.

Song of Solomon is one which I think sounds even better than originally.

Starting over...

My emotions have been everywhere in recent weeks.

I had a miscarriage - I was 6 weeks pregnant. Almost.

On Saturday I noticed just a bit of blood and but not fresh and no pain so I waited to see if it would happen again. It did the next morning, so I went into hospital. They couldn't see anything on the ultrasound - the sac was either too small or I'd passed it already so they said to come back on Wednesday (today) for another scan and blood test.

But yesterday I started bleeding heavily and I knew it was all over.

I tossed up between staying at home at going to work.

At home I'd just feel awful and be alone - at work I'd be surrounded by health professionals and had a half day meeting anyway - it would be a good distraction.

So I went to work, and spent the day sitting in meetings, having a miscarriage.



I'm feeling okay today. It's common, it's probably an indication that something wasn't right.

I felt bad telling my mum as she was really upset - she's had such a bad year and I told her as soon as I found out so she had something positive to hold onto, and so she had something good to tell my grandma before she died.

It's okay. It's just time to start again.

And then...

Perth was great - it was nice to get away.

My grandma passed away yesterday on Mothers Day. I'm sad - she was my only grandparent - I'm also really worried about Mum as she's lost her sister and mother very close together. She's very, very low right now.

Getting away

I'm hoping that a week without sitting in front of a computer all day helps my shoulder. I hate having this constant pain - getting it massaged or treated only helps for a couple of hours and then the pain is back.

The physio told me that there's no nerves involved and that it's quite treatable - I have to see him another couple of times when I get back from the Easter holidays.

I've realised that hubby is hopeless at trying to massage my back for me! He has no patience and doesn't listen. Anyway!

I'm looking forward to getting away. It'll be a nice break.

I forgot to write about my concert last week - it went really well - the music is beautiful and has, for the first time, been swimming through my head all week.

I'm entering a dance comp in a few weeks - looking forward to it - have ordered a dress from Egypt and fingers crossed it arrives on time.

Anyway, our plane leaves this evening and I have lots to do - we're getting our floorboards sanded and polished while we're away and I have to pack those rooms up. I haven't even thought about packing my suitcase yet!

I've been really down lately, it'll be a nice distraction to get away.

Have a safe and happy Easter. x

Just because it's so very pretty...

Shoulders

I've had to have two massages this week - my shoulders are just so sore! They're still not right.
Perhaps I need to see a physio. I dunno - it hurts and it's been this way for the last three months. I just feel really tense.

Sitting in front of a computer all day at work doesn't help.

I really need another massage!

I'll be your best friend...

I understand that struggle with friendship.

I hang around people I went to school with. They're my "friends".

Except that I'm not that young anymore and school was 15 years ago and yes, I have made friends since, but I don't feel the same sense of belonging with another group.

It's as if I had to form a friendship group at school, because that's what happens, and since then, I never developed the ability to form friendships.

Don't get me wrong - I have friends.
I make friends easily.
I'll even say that I'm fairly popular and well-liked.

But I haven't yet worked out how to straddle that leap between someone who I hang out with, play with on a daily basis even, and someone who I am really good friends with who I can call and chat with anytime, who I can ask to meet me somewhere on the weekend, who I can invite over for a cup of tea and a good, close chat about things that are real.

I don't have that.

And I envy the easy way that Hubby manages to do this. It's so foreign to me. He meets someone, establishes rapport, and suddenly we're invited to their place for dinner, and he's going out for drinks, and they're at our place in the pool, and he's on the phone having a long chat every couple of days. It happens all the time to him.

How do you even do that?

I keep thinking that I'm annoying people when I try to hang around them too much.

I tend to have two issues.
With people who I really want to hang out with, I'm never sure that they really want to hang out with me. With people who I don't mind too much, but can't handle too much of - they keep bugging me and I have to push them back. I'm worried that I'm going to be one of the ones who is bugging someone I really like.

I feel like every time I make moves to be closer friends with someone, that some invisible barrier goes up. And they seem so slippery and I can't figure out why.

Maybe I'm trying to be friends with the wrong people. Maybe I'm attracted to the wrong types of friends - people who see me as amusement or entertainment rather than people who genuinely want to spend time with me - who genuinely care about me.

Actually, I have no idea what I'm talking about. Only that it's a strange struggle to be surrounded by people and still feel like I'm on the outside looking in. I'm one of those lonely people who are very busy and constantly with people.

I feel envious of people who make close friendships without thinking.

You know, I'm glad I got into a relationship with Hubby as a teenager and never really had to date much.

I'd have been rubbish at it.

It all makes me reflect on how important closeness and intimacy has been to me - because it's been so rare in my life - it's so very precious.

The Ship Song

by Amanda Palmer aka Mrs Neil Gaiman.

Day 13 - A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days (write a letter.)

Dear Kate Bush,

I first heard you when your single "Rubberband Girl" was being played on Rage. It must've been 1993. I remember your insane dancing and I thought that I too want to be a Rubberband Girl - someone who can take it all and bounce back.

It wasn't until I was around 15, however, that I heard "Wuthering Heights" on Triple J. I must've been reading the book around the same time, and like most emo-teens, the book had struck a chord. That song captured the emotions perfectly. You were so different to anything else I'd ever heard. You came into my life like some ethereal being and your music cut through all the crap I hated - I'd always gone around feeling different to everyone else, and feeling that everyone was plastic and just didn't get it - and you seemed to really get it.

I was in love.

By a complete stroke of luck, I found your "Live at Hammersmith Odeon" album in a discount bin in an old record store. It cost $10 - perfect for a povo teen.
Even though I'd never been in a relationship, the song "Moving" had the chorus:

How I'm moved.
How you move me
With your beauty's potency.
You give me life.
Please don't let me go.
You crush the lily in my soul.

It was exactly what I wanted to feel - that feeling of seduction.
It captivated me.

"Them Heavy People" reminded me of a teacher from highschool who I was obsessed with - he was the smartest man I'd ever met. I felt sorry for him (he was very plain and a total geek) but looked forward to his classes each week - he was just so interesting and I learnt so much about religion and philosophy from him to a level that I've never learnt anywhere since. "So now I take the opportunities/ Wonderful teachers ready to teach me..."

I then bought the album The Kick Inside.

I heard Saxophone Song and the line "You'll never know that you had all of me. You'll never see the poetry you stirred in me" has stuck with me since - even though at the time, I'd still never been in a relationship. "The Man with the Child in his Eyes" told me about some mysterious man who would come and take me away and love me. "Feel it" was everything I wanted to feel and desire - a wonderful seduction:



"Never for Ever" brought some silliness in the form of "Violin". I grew up playing the violin and loved that playful side to her.

I loved Kate's dark side too.
"The Dreaming" album was crazy and from the gut. "The Night of the Swallow" was full of desperation while "Get out of my House" was just complete despair - like she was actually sobbing with pain. No one else expressed this depth of feeling - but I had felt it - I felt it all.



The "Hounds of Love" album was sheer brilliance.

"The Sensual World" album was so very female. The title song was another wonderful seduction and just so clever, while "Never Be Mine" and "This Woman's Work" made me cry.

"The Red Shoes" had the song "Moments of Pleasure" which still brings a tear.

Just being alive
It can really hurt
And these moments given
Are a gift from time

I was so happy when, years later, and for the first time since I'd been a fan (even though I'd been a fan for years), she brought out "Aerial". It's the last album I bought in physical form - 6 years ago.

"Bertie" made me feel the sheer joy of a child - and made me long for that type of joy - while it took many listens of "Mrs Bartolozzi" for me to realise what she was actually singing about - and now the song gives me shivers up my spine - it's just so powerful.

The second concept side to the album had two seductions - "Sunset" and Nocturn". Love and bliss.

I thank Kate Bush for being able to capture how I feel - and how I want to feel.

The highs, the lows, the craziness, the despair - and all the love, love, love, love.


I'm glad she's back.

Listen

Dance

I did a Jazz Funk class yesterday. Was brilliant.

You know, when I do things like that, it requires so much attention on my part that I can't think about anything except what I'm doing. I need that. To distract my brain from thinking and thinking. I hate having one of those minds that just doesn't switch off. I wish it would.

I feel a high when I dance. I don't think I'm great at it, but I love it. I feel high and I am totally distracted.

I think that these days, that's what I'm chasing. Chasing highs - chasing oblivion. Trying to find a space where I'm not thinking about me or if, or if only, or the harsh reality of what is.

I just need to have that escape from my mind.

Deeper Understanding

http://www.youtube.com/user/KateBushMusic

She's nuts. I love her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I'm doing a new dance class on Saturday - Jazz, Funk, Hip Hop.
Will be a challenge for me. Particularly as I was almost 30 when I started dancing - and belly dance is in tune with, and respects a woman's body - it's natural - whereas these forms aren't quite so natural! I'm not always that good with flow. I'm looking forward to it though. I've also enrolled in a Beyonce "Single Ladies" dance workshop - that sounds like fun!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I'm not enjoying choir as much as I want to. The choir itself is excellent - the right size, the right standard - I haven't made any friends yet, which I tend to struggle with in any case - but still, they're good. It's the musical director - he's a technical genius, complete with PhD - but he's missing something. The ability to connect with and inspire the group - it's just not there - the energy is missing. And having been in plenty of choirs, it's easy to pick it - you feel it - you feel drawn to the conductor when they're good - it's mesmerising. This dude ain't got it - and it's a pity. Also - I'm not loving all the music for the upcoming concert - some of it is wonderful - but there's this one long piece that, if I had to be in the audience, I'd get bored with a third of the way through. It's not just the morbid death theme, you do have to be audience-aware, and most audiences won't want to sit through a 25min Requiem that isn't at all known.
Anyway. Here are some of the nice ones we're doing:

1
2
3

And here's something totally different, with just as wonderful harmonies:
4

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I went almost 6 weeks and yesterday my period came - really painfully.
It just didn't take. Not viable. We'll keep trying. I'm not enjoying this.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm doing my own head in - over-thinking everything - as always. Gawd it drives me nuts. I wish I knew how to turn it off.

Music in my head...

Kate Bush - Love and Anger
Alanis Morissette - Not As We
Carpenters - A Song for You
Alanis Morissette - In Praise of the Vulnerable Man
Plan B feat Faith SFX - Stand by Me

Day 12 - Something you never get compliments on

I think I'd rather write in general on the topic of compliments.

I am addicted to compliments.

Or rather, I need constant reassurance. I'm not sure why - it's a strange mix of being both terribly insecure and massively vain that I need people to constantly validate me.

I probably dress up more than I need to, play up to people more than I need to - and what really annoys me about it is that if it were someone else, I would find it pathetic and not even like the person.

I'm a dress employee as long as I'm getting praise and recognition. Take that away and I have zero motivation. Even my undergraduate marks range from barely scraping through subjects to getting 100% and high 90s in others - all based on the relationship I had with the lecturer - I need to worship and be worshipped back.

I can't take being ignored.

The worst part of it is that I know all my faults, and can see myself having irrational thoughts - but I can't change it.

Day 11 - Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

I skipped a day, because I can.

And the answer to this one, in order, is:

- my accessories or jewellery
- my clothes or shoes
- my face
- my eyes


~~~


In other news though, it's not been such a good week for hubby. One of his friends had a still born baby a few days ago - strangled on his way out. And his bosses' wife has lost her battle with cancer today. She was the heart and mind of their company, and although she's been in hospital for over 6 months now, it's well and truly over today. Sad, sad, sad. She leaves behind two teenagers.

There seems to be a lot of death around. I remember thinking, maybe about 5 years ago, that I've only been to one funeral and that was for a 90-something who lived a full life and that I hardly knew anyone who had died. Today is a different story. That funeral is still the only funeral I've been to for an elderly person, though. Everyone else had died way, way too young.


~~~


My all time favourite singer, Kate Bush, is releasing a new album. It'll be an album of remastered songs, but still, it's something new from her - there's not enough of that! I love Kate. Ever since I was an emo 14 year old reading Wuthering Heights, discovering her song on some flashback video clip on TV. She's so unique, talented and kooky - she captures something at the core of us. I can't even describe it.

But here, take a look.

Day 09 - Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted.

I was such good friends with this guy during my undergrad degree, being the "fag hag" that I am. You know when you spend everyday hanging out with someone and you're really good friends, and you think they must like you back? Well, I was really upset when, after graduating, he couldn't be bothered staying in contact. He barely replied to emails or calls and didn't bother turning up to my wedding reception. I was really upset, really bothered - and really confused.

I don't put use by dates on friendships.

Fingers crossed

Month two of really, seriously trying hard to have a baby.
I am ovulating.
Sorry for all the TMI, but it's freaking me out.

Day 08 - Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

Hmm, not too easy to answer. I have to say I've had issues with various people in the past - stomping on me, claiming my work as their own etc. But you know, I do now recognise that part of it is me. I didn't speak up, I didn't self-promote, I didn't make the right connections and relationships.

While I think I'm better at it now, I'll never be a natural, and I'll always feel a little overlooked and hard done by.

I need to continue to know:
- If you can't beat them, join them (particularly if I'm feeling jealous or if someone is too smart for me to dominate).
- I'm playing a different game (I'm not really in competition with anyone - no one is like me).

People, on the whole, however, are generally nice.

Soundtrack...

Name a song that you've listened to in the past 24 hours

Still in my head as I was listening to it while driving home from work today - Plan B's cover of Kanye's Runaway

It's funny and brilliant :-)


What's the first album you bought with your own money?

Hmm - first single was Radiohead's Creep. Not sure about album - it was possible Kate Bush or Tori Amos.

Name a song that makes you smile

This

If you were to portray someone in a rock biopic, who would it be?

See - I'm limited by my looks - who looks like me? Although then again - if Cate Blanchett could successfully be Bob Dylan, I'm sure I can be anyone!

Name three songs you love that you wish others knew, but probably don't

In California - Joanna Newsom.
I am desperate for sheet music but can only find tabs online. I wish she'd publish sheet music like Tori Amos does - plenty of geeky girls like me are dying to play her wonderful compositions on our pianos.

to spend my life in spitting distance
of the love that i have known
i must stay here
in an endless eveningtide

This Woman's Work, Moments of Pleasure - Kate Bush
Two songs, both genius. Both very female stories of hurt and resilience.

Just being alive
It can really hurt
And these moments given
Are a gift from time

Hyperballad (Brodsky quartet) - Bjork
The song is well known - but this version is amazing! I love how the strings capture her story - and I love the story itself.

i go through all this - before you wake up
so I can feel happier - to be safe up here with you

What was the last concert you attended?

The Future Music Festival just two days ago - and did I ever feel old!

What's your favorite 80's song?

This is a hard one to pick - so I won't choose a favourite - I'll just pick this one.

Name a song always makes you feel weepy

This

Is there a song you associate with your first kiss?

No. Because it was crap and I was drunk. And it was a very long time before I was kissed properly.

Do you recall what you were listening to the first time you drank alcohol?

Again - no - although I don't know the first time I drank alcohol - I was always sipping my dad's wine.

Name an album that's guaranteed to get a person laid

Jeff Buckley - most definitely.
But right now - this song will do.

What song would you be happy to never hear again?

Hmmm - a lot of things on Hubby's ipod! :-)

Name a song that always takes you back

Takes me back to what? One that takes me back to a difficult state that I was in when I was younger is George's Special Ones.

Whose music do you want played at your funeral?

Frank Sinatra's "My Way" couldn't have been more perfect at my father-in-law's funeral - that song was him. Same with the beautiful "Hail Mary, Gentle Woman" at my aunt's funeral last year(which I sang).

It's all feeling a little close at the moment, and I can't really contemplate my own, but I hope that my decendants can choose something which captures my life as well as these.

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.

Hubby.

Despite everything, he's always there for me. He's been there for me through my entire adult life.

We're often bewildered by each other - we're just so different - but still, he remains my Sweetness and Light.

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

I have done enough things that I hoped never to have to do.

Enough.

And yet I know there will be more.

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

I hope to have kids. I hope to have healthy kids.

Not just because I really, really, really need some sort of change, but I want something more to live for and to pass on and etc. - even though I know my life will forever change - and despite all my rants - I do like my life.

But as each month goes by, well, it's just sad, disappointing.

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for

I have to forgive people who have done something unbearably hurtful to my family. Torn things apart. Created a mess that cannot be fixed. I can't describe the hurt when someone dies and there's still no scope for forgiveness.

The follow-on effects of selfish decisions are endless.

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for

I have to forgive myself for relentlessly wanting more.

I really don’t like that I’m like this, but I’ve always been this way, I can’t change (I can control my behaviour, but not my thoughts/dreams/desires).

I need to accept myself and accept that this is me, it’s who I am and who I will always be.

Maybe if I learn to embrace it and learn to redirect it, I’ll learn to be happier.

Thirty Day of Truth: Day 2 - Something you love about yourself

This will sound very vain, but I love my face.

Don't get me wrong - I see plenty of flaws and there's no way I can compete with youth, but I like my face - including all lines, dimples, freckles and scars. I've grown into it and feel far prettier at 31 than at 21, even though I know I'm not.

I even love my temperamental hair.

I have dramatic, expressive eyes (so I'm told) and I love playing with eye make-up. I love my defined cheekbones, well-shaped nose, high forehead and full mouth.

I know I should pick my quick mind, my broad talents, my many achievements, my deep ability to love, my sense of resilience etc. But I'm not choosing any of those, even though I probably should.

Despite everything I've fought for and worked on and pushed myself to achieve, my face has given me more opportunities than anything else.

And I love that I'm not afraid to admit that.

Thirty Days of Truth: Day 1 - Something you hate about yourself

Am borrowing this clever idea from April.
Memes are useful for sparking me to write and think and I often have trouble know where to start when I write.

The list of questions are here.

I hate that I suck at being a normal friend.

It's true, I'm socially demented. I'm not shy, I'm not unpopular - in fact, I'm probably the opposite of both. I make friends easily and have a solid group of long term friends, but I'm not very good at fostering those day-to-day relationships.

I get jealous really easily when I feel I like someone more than they like me and when they seem to like someone else more than me.

I feel weird and uncomfortable asking people to hang out with me, one on one (as if I'm a 5 year old saying "do you want to be my friend?") even though I have no trouble hanging around and talking to anyone.

I feel like I'm always on the periphery looking in.
A loner who can't stand being alone.

I hate that I'm 31 and still haven't developed basic playground skills.

Be careful what you wish for...

Two things.

1. I got into the choir. It's wonderful - beautiful music, very talented people, a wonderful director - I will learn a lot and enjoy it a lot but eeek! - one evening a week is now gone.

2. I might be getting promoted in the next couple of months. It's double edged sword as I'm not sure if it's a good thing from a "quality of life" perspective.

I'm good at lots of things. Brilliant at none.

I feel compelled to keep involving myself in lots of things but will never be great at any one thing. I'm always busy but I can't stop and I'll never really be good enough anyway - so why do I keep doing this?

It's something I've noticed about myself for years now.

And it makes me sad.

Over commitment

One thing i know i'm very talented at is over-committing.

I'm auditioning for a choir.

Rehearsals are from 7-10pm once a week and I'll need to go straight from work. That, on top of dance (which takes up my Thursday nights), teaching violin and piano and working full time in a fairly intense job will mean that I will go from having very little downtime to just about no downtime.

Why do I keep doing so many things?

I feel compelled.

I've just gone for a whole year without being in a choir and while I relished the free time, I missed it! I need to sing in a group and I've been on a constant search for a choir I feel happy singing in for the last 5 years. I hope this one is "the one".

Music - instruments, singing and dancing - draws me in. I have to do these things - it makes me feel in touch with...

...well, I'm not sure. Something. Some sort of connection. I love that feeling of being surrounded by music so that it's inside me, all around me - and the intimacy of getting to know a work while learning it in a group is like falling in love. To the point where there's grief after a concert because it'll never be same again - the piece is over. The wonderful work coming out of everyone and swirling around like harmonious magic.

I know, I sound like a weirdo arty lunatic.

It's weird that I love music so much but don't want it as a career. Even though I know i'm a good piano/violin teacher and would probably be able to run my own little music school. Also, teaching is one thing, doing it is another - teaching wouldn't be enough for me and it would drive me nuts. But I think having to work so damn hard to make music a career would take the joy out of it.

Besides, I'm not *that* talented!

Sick

I'm home from work today. Bad cold. Weird because I'm never sick.

I'm feeling very, very sorry for myself!

We just got back from a two week holiday and it's probably a little strange to be back to work for one day and then off sick again. Oh well.

I've been reading (The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle by Haruki Murakami) watching TV (Being Human on UKTV) and bumming around online (watching YouTube vids on how to use the hot rollers I've just purchased off eBay).

My sister-in-law and niece are staying with us for two weeks and for dinner I'll be using the leftover ham from Christmas which I froze in batches to make ham and corn fritters. Just something light because they've been out all day and would have had a big lunch.

I hate having colds! Who would have thought my nose could drip constantly like this? Waah!

Hello. Or hello again.

Writing my thoughts down online seems like something I used to do for about five years, five years ago. And then faded, like a lot of things. Or else I got addicted to Facebook where I didn't have to think.

But I miss writing.

It's one of my many creative outlets and I really need those to balance out the everyday routine with other things.

Having moments to write, or sing, or dance, or (what else do I like doing?) cook, or garden or read or watch one of those movies-that-make-you-think can change a person. It makes them stop, literally smell roses, reflect, grow, and whatever gardening references you wish to add here.

At the risk of sounded cliched, I think I'm writing more for me this time round. My first ventures into blogging were exaggerated versions of me. I was writing for an audience - to entertain. I like entertaining people and I certainly have my various personas - as everyone does - but I want to just write and not necessarily try to amuse or shock.

If you don't recognise the title of this blog, it's the name of a Kate Bush song. Ah, my beloved Kate who I have listened to since I was a 15-year-old completely obsessed with Wuthering Heights. I'm still that girl - just with a lot more cynicism added! It's not my favourite Kate song, but I do like the image of the Rubberband Girl, who knows how to bend, adapt and bounce back.

But before I keep rambling, let me introduce myself.

I'm a 30-something wife with a lovely house in a leafy suburb, I have an adorable, energetic husband who is the joy of my life, I like cooking, growing flowers and veggies in my huge garden which we share with our two chickens, I love to belly dance, sing, play the piano and violin and I have a job which I don't even want to write about here.

Okay, I should write something about it because it's a big part of my life, but here's all I'll say. I like my job but it's not what I really want to do for the rest of my career.

It's not that I don't find it interesting, it's just that it doesn't really engage me and I know the drive I have when I'm truly engaged in something. But at this point in my life, I can't afford to be self-indulgent about what I do for a living. The job is nice, well-paid, not too stressful and the reality is that we have a big mortgage and I really want to have kids (after almost 7 years of marriage) so now isn't the time to push for a career-change.

And you know what else?

I don't actually know what I want to do when I grow up.

What I *do* want to do is think about my life, talk about my life, write about the things I enjoy doing and what I'm passionate about and maybe, somehow, I'll figure out what I want to be.

And so - Hello.
I'm looking forward to writing a lot more here.