I'll be your best friend...

I understand that struggle with friendship.

I hang around people I went to school with. They're my "friends".

Except that I'm not that young anymore and school was 15 years ago and yes, I have made friends since, but I don't feel the same sense of belonging with another group.

It's as if I had to form a friendship group at school, because that's what happens, and since then, I never developed the ability to form friendships.

Don't get me wrong - I have friends.
I make friends easily.
I'll even say that I'm fairly popular and well-liked.

But I haven't yet worked out how to straddle that leap between someone who I hang out with, play with on a daily basis even, and someone who I am really good friends with who I can call and chat with anytime, who I can ask to meet me somewhere on the weekend, who I can invite over for a cup of tea and a good, close chat about things that are real.

I don't have that.

And I envy the easy way that Hubby manages to do this. It's so foreign to me. He meets someone, establishes rapport, and suddenly we're invited to their place for dinner, and he's going out for drinks, and they're at our place in the pool, and he's on the phone having a long chat every couple of days. It happens all the time to him.

How do you even do that?

I keep thinking that I'm annoying people when I try to hang around them too much.

I tend to have two issues.
With people who I really want to hang out with, I'm never sure that they really want to hang out with me. With people who I don't mind too much, but can't handle too much of - they keep bugging me and I have to push them back. I'm worried that I'm going to be one of the ones who is bugging someone I really like.

I feel like every time I make moves to be closer friends with someone, that some invisible barrier goes up. And they seem so slippery and I can't figure out why.

Maybe I'm trying to be friends with the wrong people. Maybe I'm attracted to the wrong types of friends - people who see me as amusement or entertainment rather than people who genuinely want to spend time with me - who genuinely care about me.

Actually, I have no idea what I'm talking about. Only that it's a strange struggle to be surrounded by people and still feel like I'm on the outside looking in. I'm one of those lonely people who are very busy and constantly with people.

I feel envious of people who make close friendships without thinking.

You know, I'm glad I got into a relationship with Hubby as a teenager and never really had to date much.

I'd have been rubbish at it.

It all makes me reflect on how important closeness and intimacy has been to me - because it's been so rare in my life - it's so very precious.