I'm hoping that a week without sitting in front of a computer all day helps my shoulder. I hate having this constant pain - getting it massaged or treated only helps for a couple of hours and then the pain is back.
The physio told me that there's no nerves involved and that it's quite treatable - I have to see him another couple of times when I get back from the Easter holidays.
I've realised that hubby is hopeless at trying to massage my back for me! He has no patience and doesn't listen. Anyway!
I'm looking forward to getting away. It'll be a nice break.
I forgot to write about my concert last week - it went really well - the music is beautiful and has, for the first time, been swimming through my head all week.
I'm entering a dance comp in a few weeks - looking forward to it - have ordered a dress from Egypt and fingers crossed it arrives on time.
Anyway, our plane leaves this evening and I have lots to do - we're getting our floorboards sanded and polished while we're away and I have to pack those rooms up. I haven't even thought about packing my suitcase yet!
I've been really down lately, it'll be a nice distraction to get away.
Have a safe and happy Easter. x
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Friday, April 15, 2011
Shoulders
I've had to have two massages this week - my shoulders are just so sore! They're still not right.
Perhaps I need to see a physio. I dunno - it hurts and it's been this way for the last three months. I just feel really tense.
Sitting in front of a computer all day at work doesn't help.
I really need another massage!
Perhaps I need to see a physio. I dunno - it hurts and it's been this way for the last three months. I just feel really tense.
Sitting in front of a computer all day at work doesn't help.
I really need another massage!
Thursday, April 14, 2011
I'll be your best friend...
I understand that struggle with friendship.
I hang around people I went to school with. They're my "friends".
Except that I'm not that young anymore and school was 15 years ago and yes, I have made friends since, but I don't feel the same sense of belonging with another group.
It's as if I had to form a friendship group at school, because that's what happens, and since then, I never developed the ability to form friendships.
Don't get me wrong - I have friends.
I make friends easily.
I'll even say that I'm fairly popular and well-liked.
But I haven't yet worked out how to straddle that leap between someone who I hang out with, play with on a daily basis even, and someone who I am really good friends with who I can call and chat with anytime, who I can ask to meet me somewhere on the weekend, who I can invite over for a cup of tea and a good, close chat about things that are real.
I don't have that.
And I envy the easy way that Hubby manages to do this. It's so foreign to me. He meets someone, establishes rapport, and suddenly we're invited to their place for dinner, and he's going out for drinks, and they're at our place in the pool, and he's on the phone having a long chat every couple of days. It happens all the time to him.
How do you even do that?
I keep thinking that I'm annoying people when I try to hang around them too much.
I tend to have two issues.
With people who I really want to hang out with, I'm never sure that they really want to hang out with me. With people who I don't mind too much, but can't handle too much of - they keep bugging me and I have to push them back. I'm worried that I'm going to be one of the ones who is bugging someone I really like.
I feel like every time I make moves to be closer friends with someone, that some invisible barrier goes up. And they seem so slippery and I can't figure out why.
Maybe I'm trying to be friends with the wrong people. Maybe I'm attracted to the wrong types of friends - people who see me as amusement or entertainment rather than people who genuinely want to spend time with me - who genuinely care about me.
Actually, I have no idea what I'm talking about. Only that it's a strange struggle to be surrounded by people and still feel like I'm on the outside looking in. I'm one of those lonely people who are very busy and constantly with people.
I feel envious of people who make close friendships without thinking.
You know, I'm glad I got into a relationship with Hubby as a teenager and never really had to date much.
I'd have been rubbish at it.
It all makes me reflect on how important closeness and intimacy has been to me - because it's been so rare in my life - it's so very precious.
I hang around people I went to school with. They're my "friends".
Except that I'm not that young anymore and school was 15 years ago and yes, I have made friends since, but I don't feel the same sense of belonging with another group.
It's as if I had to form a friendship group at school, because that's what happens, and since then, I never developed the ability to form friendships.
Don't get me wrong - I have friends.
I make friends easily.
I'll even say that I'm fairly popular and well-liked.
But I haven't yet worked out how to straddle that leap between someone who I hang out with, play with on a daily basis even, and someone who I am really good friends with who I can call and chat with anytime, who I can ask to meet me somewhere on the weekend, who I can invite over for a cup of tea and a good, close chat about things that are real.
I don't have that.
And I envy the easy way that Hubby manages to do this. It's so foreign to me. He meets someone, establishes rapport, and suddenly we're invited to their place for dinner, and he's going out for drinks, and they're at our place in the pool, and he's on the phone having a long chat every couple of days. It happens all the time to him.
How do you even do that?
I keep thinking that I'm annoying people when I try to hang around them too much.
I tend to have two issues.
With people who I really want to hang out with, I'm never sure that they really want to hang out with me. With people who I don't mind too much, but can't handle too much of - they keep bugging me and I have to push them back. I'm worried that I'm going to be one of the ones who is bugging someone I really like.
I feel like every time I make moves to be closer friends with someone, that some invisible barrier goes up. And they seem so slippery and I can't figure out why.
Maybe I'm trying to be friends with the wrong people. Maybe I'm attracted to the wrong types of friends - people who see me as amusement or entertainment rather than people who genuinely want to spend time with me - who genuinely care about me.
Actually, I have no idea what I'm talking about. Only that it's a strange struggle to be surrounded by people and still feel like I'm on the outside looking in. I'm one of those lonely people who are very busy and constantly with people.
I feel envious of people who make close friendships without thinking.
You know, I'm glad I got into a relationship with Hubby as a teenager and never really had to date much.
I'd have been rubbish at it.
It all makes me reflect on how important closeness and intimacy has been to me - because it's been so rare in my life - it's so very precious.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Day 13 - A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days (write a letter.)
Dear Kate Bush,
I first heard you when your single "Rubberband Girl" was being played on Rage. It must've been 1993. I remember your insane dancing and I thought that I too want to be a Rubberband Girl - someone who can take it all and bounce back.
It wasn't until I was around 15, however, that I heard "Wuthering Heights" on Triple J. I must've been reading the book around the same time, and like most emo-teens, the book had struck a chord. That song captured the emotions perfectly. You were so different to anything else I'd ever heard. You came into my life like some ethereal being and your music cut through all the crap I hated - I'd always gone around feeling different to everyone else, and feeling that everyone was plastic and just didn't get it - and you seemed to really get it.
I was in love.
By a complete stroke of luck, I found your "Live at Hammersmith Odeon" album in a discount bin in an old record store. It cost $10 - perfect for a povo teen.
Even though I'd never been in a relationship, the song "Moving" had the chorus:
How I'm moved.
How you move me
With your beauty's potency.
You give me life.
Please don't let me go.
You crush the lily in my soul.
It was exactly what I wanted to feel - that feeling of seduction.
It captivated me.
"Them Heavy People" reminded me of a teacher from highschool who I was obsessed with - he was the smartest man I'd ever met. I felt sorry for him (he was very plain and a total geek) but looked forward to his classes each week - he was just so interesting and I learnt so much about religion and philosophy from him to a level that I've never learnt anywhere since. "So now I take the opportunities/ Wonderful teachers ready to teach me..."
I then bought the album The Kick Inside.
I heard Saxophone Song and the line "You'll never know that you had all of me. You'll never see the poetry you stirred in me" has stuck with me since - even though at the time, I'd still never been in a relationship. "The Man with the Child in his Eyes" told me about some mysterious man who would come and take me away and love me. "Feel it" was everything I wanted to feel and desire - a wonderful seduction:
"Never for Ever" brought some silliness in the form of "Violin". I grew up playing the violin and loved that playful side to her.
I loved Kate's dark side too.
"The Dreaming" album was crazy and from the gut. "The Night of the Swallow" was full of desperation while "Get out of my House" was just complete despair - like she was actually sobbing with pain. No one else expressed this depth of feeling - but I had felt it - I felt it all.
The "Hounds of Love" album was sheer brilliance.
"The Sensual World" album was so very female. The title song was another wonderful seduction and just so clever, while "Never Be Mine" and "This Woman's Work" made me cry.
"The Red Shoes" had the song "Moments of Pleasure" which still brings a tear.
Just being alive
It can really hurt
And these moments given
Are a gift from time
I was so happy when, years later, and for the first time since I'd been a fan (even though I'd been a fan for years), she brought out "Aerial". It's the last album I bought in physical form - 6 years ago.
"Bertie" made me feel the sheer joy of a child - and made me long for that type of joy - while it took many listens of "Mrs Bartolozzi" for me to realise what she was actually singing about - and now the song gives me shivers up my spine - it's just so powerful.
The second concept side to the album had two seductions - "Sunset" and Nocturn". Love and bliss.
I thank Kate Bush for being able to capture how I feel - and how I want to feel.
The highs, the lows, the craziness, the despair - and all the love, love, love, love.
I'm glad she's back.
I first heard you when your single "Rubberband Girl" was being played on Rage. It must've been 1993. I remember your insane dancing and I thought that I too want to be a Rubberband Girl - someone who can take it all and bounce back.
It wasn't until I was around 15, however, that I heard "Wuthering Heights" on Triple J. I must've been reading the book around the same time, and like most emo-teens, the book had struck a chord. That song captured the emotions perfectly. You were so different to anything else I'd ever heard. You came into my life like some ethereal being and your music cut through all the crap I hated - I'd always gone around feeling different to everyone else, and feeling that everyone was plastic and just didn't get it - and you seemed to really get it.
I was in love.
By a complete stroke of luck, I found your "Live at Hammersmith Odeon" album in a discount bin in an old record store. It cost $10 - perfect for a povo teen.
Even though I'd never been in a relationship, the song "Moving" had the chorus:
How I'm moved.
How you move me
With your beauty's potency.
You give me life.
Please don't let me go.
You crush the lily in my soul.
It was exactly what I wanted to feel - that feeling of seduction.
It captivated me.
"Them Heavy People" reminded me of a teacher from highschool who I was obsessed with - he was the smartest man I'd ever met. I felt sorry for him (he was very plain and a total geek) but looked forward to his classes each week - he was just so interesting and I learnt so much about religion and philosophy from him to a level that I've never learnt anywhere since. "So now I take the opportunities/ Wonderful teachers ready to teach me..."
I then bought the album The Kick Inside.
I heard Saxophone Song and the line "You'll never know that you had all of me. You'll never see the poetry you stirred in me" has stuck with me since - even though at the time, I'd still never been in a relationship. "The Man with the Child in his Eyes" told me about some mysterious man who would come and take me away and love me. "Feel it" was everything I wanted to feel and desire - a wonderful seduction:
"Never for Ever" brought some silliness in the form of "Violin". I grew up playing the violin and loved that playful side to her.
I loved Kate's dark side too.
"The Dreaming" album was crazy and from the gut. "The Night of the Swallow" was full of desperation while "Get out of my House" was just complete despair - like she was actually sobbing with pain. No one else expressed this depth of feeling - but I had felt it - I felt it all.
The "Hounds of Love" album was sheer brilliance.
"The Sensual World" album was so very female. The title song was another wonderful seduction and just so clever, while "Never Be Mine" and "This Woman's Work" made me cry.
"The Red Shoes" had the song "Moments of Pleasure" which still brings a tear.
Just being alive
It can really hurt
And these moments given
Are a gift from time
I was so happy when, years later, and for the first time since I'd been a fan (even though I'd been a fan for years), she brought out "Aerial". It's the last album I bought in physical form - 6 years ago.
"Bertie" made me feel the sheer joy of a child - and made me long for that type of joy - while it took many listens of "Mrs Bartolozzi" for me to realise what she was actually singing about - and now the song gives me shivers up my spine - it's just so powerful.
The second concept side to the album had two seductions - "Sunset" and Nocturn". Love and bliss.
I thank Kate Bush for being able to capture how I feel - and how I want to feel.
The highs, the lows, the craziness, the despair - and all the love, love, love, love.
I'm glad she's back.
Dance
I did a Jazz Funk class yesterday. Was brilliant.
You know, when I do things like that, it requires so much attention on my part that I can't think about anything except what I'm doing. I need that. To distract my brain from thinking and thinking. I hate having one of those minds that just doesn't switch off. I wish it would.
I feel a high when I dance. I don't think I'm great at it, but I love it. I feel high and I am totally distracted.
I think that these days, that's what I'm chasing. Chasing highs - chasing oblivion. Trying to find a space where I'm not thinking about me or if, or if only, or the harsh reality of what is.
I just need to have that escape from my mind.
You know, when I do things like that, it requires so much attention on my part that I can't think about anything except what I'm doing. I need that. To distract my brain from thinking and thinking. I hate having one of those minds that just doesn't switch off. I wish it would.
I feel a high when I dance. I don't think I'm great at it, but I love it. I feel high and I am totally distracted.
I think that these days, that's what I'm chasing. Chasing highs - chasing oblivion. Trying to find a space where I'm not thinking about me or if, or if only, or the harsh reality of what is.
I just need to have that escape from my mind.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Deeper Understanding
http://www.youtube.com/user/KateBushMusic
She's nuts. I love her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm doing a new dance class on Saturday - Jazz, Funk, Hip Hop.
Will be a challenge for me. Particularly as I was almost 30 when I started dancing - and belly dance is in tune with, and respects a woman's body - it's natural - whereas these forms aren't quite so natural! I'm not always that good with flow. I'm looking forward to it though. I've also enrolled in a Beyonce "Single Ladies" dance workshop - that sounds like fun!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm not enjoying choir as much as I want to. The choir itself is excellent - the right size, the right standard - I haven't made any friends yet, which I tend to struggle with in any case - but still, they're good. It's the musical director - he's a technical genius, complete with PhD - but he's missing something. The ability to connect with and inspire the group - it's just not there - the energy is missing. And having been in plenty of choirs, it's easy to pick it - you feel it - you feel drawn to the conductor when they're good - it's mesmerising. This dude ain't got it - and it's a pity. Also - I'm not loving all the music for the upcoming concert - some of it is wonderful - but there's this one long piece that, if I had to be in the audience, I'd get bored with a third of the way through. It's not just the morbid death theme, you do have to be audience-aware, and most audiences won't want to sit through a 25min Requiem that isn't at all known.
Anyway. Here are some of the nice ones we're doing:
1
2
3
And here's something totally different, with just as wonderful harmonies:
4
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I went almost 6 weeks and yesterday my period came - really painfully.
It just didn't take. Not viable. We'll keep trying. I'm not enjoying this.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm doing my own head in - over-thinking everything - as always. Gawd it drives me nuts. I wish I knew how to turn it off.
She's nuts. I love her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm doing a new dance class on Saturday - Jazz, Funk, Hip Hop.
Will be a challenge for me. Particularly as I was almost 30 when I started dancing - and belly dance is in tune with, and respects a woman's body - it's natural - whereas these forms aren't quite so natural! I'm not always that good with flow. I'm looking forward to it though. I've also enrolled in a Beyonce "Single Ladies" dance workshop - that sounds like fun!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm not enjoying choir as much as I want to. The choir itself is excellent - the right size, the right standard - I haven't made any friends yet, which I tend to struggle with in any case - but still, they're good. It's the musical director - he's a technical genius, complete with PhD - but he's missing something. The ability to connect with and inspire the group - it's just not there - the energy is missing. And having been in plenty of choirs, it's easy to pick it - you feel it - you feel drawn to the conductor when they're good - it's mesmerising. This dude ain't got it - and it's a pity. Also - I'm not loving all the music for the upcoming concert - some of it is wonderful - but there's this one long piece that, if I had to be in the audience, I'd get bored with a third of the way through. It's not just the morbid death theme, you do have to be audience-aware, and most audiences won't want to sit through a 25min Requiem that isn't at all known.
Anyway. Here are some of the nice ones we're doing:
1
2
3
And here's something totally different, with just as wonderful harmonies:
4
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I went almost 6 weeks and yesterday my period came - really painfully.
It just didn't take. Not viable. We'll keep trying. I'm not enjoying this.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm doing my own head in - over-thinking everything - as always. Gawd it drives me nuts. I wish I knew how to turn it off.