Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for

I have to forgive people who have done something unbearably hurtful to my family. Torn things apart. Created a mess that cannot be fixed. I can't describe the hurt when someone dies and there's still no scope for forgiveness.

The follow-on effects of selfish decisions are endless.

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for

I have to forgive myself for relentlessly wanting more.

I really don’t like that I’m like this, but I’ve always been this way, I can’t change (I can control my behaviour, but not my thoughts/dreams/desires).

I need to accept myself and accept that this is me, it’s who I am and who I will always be.

Maybe if I learn to embrace it and learn to redirect it, I’ll learn to be happier.

Thirty Day of Truth: Day 2 - Something you love about yourself

This will sound very vain, but I love my face.

Don't get me wrong - I see plenty of flaws and there's no way I can compete with youth, but I like my face - including all lines, dimples, freckles and scars. I've grown into it and feel far prettier at 31 than at 21, even though I know I'm not.

I even love my temperamental hair.

I have dramatic, expressive eyes (so I'm told) and I love playing with eye make-up. I love my defined cheekbones, well-shaped nose, high forehead and full mouth.

I know I should pick my quick mind, my broad talents, my many achievements, my deep ability to love, my sense of resilience etc. But I'm not choosing any of those, even though I probably should.

Despite everything I've fought for and worked on and pushed myself to achieve, my face has given me more opportunities than anything else.

And I love that I'm not afraid to admit that.

Thirty Days of Truth: Day 1 - Something you hate about yourself

Am borrowing this clever idea from April.
Memes are useful for sparking me to write and think and I often have trouble know where to start when I write.

The list of questions are here.

I hate that I suck at being a normal friend.

It's true, I'm socially demented. I'm not shy, I'm not unpopular - in fact, I'm probably the opposite of both. I make friends easily and have a solid group of long term friends, but I'm not very good at fostering those day-to-day relationships.

I get jealous really easily when I feel I like someone more than they like me and when they seem to like someone else more than me.

I feel weird and uncomfortable asking people to hang out with me, one on one (as if I'm a 5 year old saying "do you want to be my friend?") even though I have no trouble hanging around and talking to anyone.

I feel like I'm always on the periphery looking in.
A loner who can't stand being alone.

I hate that I'm 31 and still haven't developed basic playground skills.

Be careful what you wish for...

Two things.

1. I got into the choir. It's wonderful - beautiful music, very talented people, a wonderful director - I will learn a lot and enjoy it a lot but eeek! - one evening a week is now gone.

2. I might be getting promoted in the next couple of months. It's double edged sword as I'm not sure if it's a good thing from a "quality of life" perspective.

I'm good at lots of things. Brilliant at none.

I feel compelled to keep involving myself in lots of things but will never be great at any one thing. I'm always busy but I can't stop and I'll never really be good enough anyway - so why do I keep doing this?

It's something I've noticed about myself for years now.

And it makes me sad.

Over commitment

One thing i know i'm very talented at is over-committing.

I'm auditioning for a choir.

Rehearsals are from 7-10pm once a week and I'll need to go straight from work. That, on top of dance (which takes up my Thursday nights), teaching violin and piano and working full time in a fairly intense job will mean that I will go from having very little downtime to just about no downtime.

Why do I keep doing so many things?

I feel compelled.

I've just gone for a whole year without being in a choir and while I relished the free time, I missed it! I need to sing in a group and I've been on a constant search for a choir I feel happy singing in for the last 5 years. I hope this one is "the one".

Music - instruments, singing and dancing - draws me in. I have to do these things - it makes me feel in touch with...

...well, I'm not sure. Something. Some sort of connection. I love that feeling of being surrounded by music so that it's inside me, all around me - and the intimacy of getting to know a work while learning it in a group is like falling in love. To the point where there's grief after a concert because it'll never be same again - the piece is over. The wonderful work coming out of everyone and swirling around like harmonious magic.

I know, I sound like a weirdo arty lunatic.

It's weird that I love music so much but don't want it as a career. Even though I know i'm a good piano/violin teacher and would probably be able to run my own little music school. Also, teaching is one thing, doing it is another - teaching wouldn't be enough for me and it would drive me nuts. But I think having to work so damn hard to make music a career would take the joy out of it.

Besides, I'm not *that* talented!

Sick

I'm home from work today. Bad cold. Weird because I'm never sick.

I'm feeling very, very sorry for myself!

We just got back from a two week holiday and it's probably a little strange to be back to work for one day and then off sick again. Oh well.

I've been reading (The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle by Haruki Murakami) watching TV (Being Human on UKTV) and bumming around online (watching YouTube vids on how to use the hot rollers I've just purchased off eBay).

My sister-in-law and niece are staying with us for two weeks and for dinner I'll be using the leftover ham from Christmas which I froze in batches to make ham and corn fritters. Just something light because they've been out all day and would have had a big lunch.

I hate having colds! Who would have thought my nose could drip constantly like this? Waah!