Go for it.

Hubby really made me think after I went through some of my issues with him. He never pretends to be nice - he just says what he thinks - even if it seems harsh at first.

He told me I overthink and if I really want something, I just have to do it. If I keep thinking too much and being all unsure, I either don't have the drive or don't deserve it. He said I can either accept that I'm weak and accept that I won't ever get to the top of my game, because of being weak, or I can just be ruthless and get off my arse and go for it.

He's so right. If I think too much and don't just strive, I don't deserve to be the best. The really high achievers push and push and don't worry about all the crap I worry about - including having to feel important and having people make me feel certain ways - it's pathetic.

You know, these last few days I've really had a think about who cares about me.

I have friends, and plenty of people like me, but few are truly there for me - no matter what.

I shouldn't waste my thoughts on those who like me but who aren't there for me. It just hurts me when I feel they're all hot and cold and when they sometimes are wonderful and sometimes don't seem to care. I can't take that anymore.

I know who the special ones are - the ones who truly care. I will care for them and not let the others get anywhere near me.

So - I am no longer under anyone's spell. I give as much as I care to. I love as much as I need to. I am loyal and grateful as much as I should be.

Breathe Me...

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

in other news...

I don't normally talk work issues here, and I won't go into any details, but after the last two days of work retreat-type stuff, I have really worked out that I need to start making serious decisions and pushing for what benefits my career. I can't stay where I am because it's comfortable and because I like certain people.

It's pathetic and it's just going to stagnate me.

And it's also going to hurt me - very badly - because I might be loyal to those I care about, I might admire or look up to people, I might be happy doing anything they say, but I can't trust them to be loyal to me and act entirely in my best interests. It would be naive to do that.

I have to ask to move on up.

Hubby tells me that until I get the guts to open my mouth and ask for what i want, I don't deserve to be a manager on that level. He says that despite all the crap I complain about with it being a man's world, I need to quit thinking and start doing, because that's just the way things are, and if I know that and don't compete or adapt, I'll just get left behind.

In other words, I shouldn't be a nice girl, doing nice work and making someone else look good - I should "man up" and get the recognition I deserve.

He's right.

Gawd - I'm such a girl though. (This kind of shit, this kind of thinking, is why I'll never be happy).

Keeping my head above water

I will not crash.

I have an amazing life.
I have totally made it.

I won't focus on the failure, the numerous longings and the pointless 4kg I'm now carrying, I will focus on my wonderful life.

Song of Solomon

Song of Solomon (Director's Cut version)



Kate's new album came out. I've listened online over and over and I love it. It took time - just like all her music - particularly since she's re-working songs so loved.

Song of Solomon is one which I think sounds even better than originally.

Starting over...

My emotions have been everywhere in recent weeks.

I had a miscarriage - I was 6 weeks pregnant. Almost.

On Saturday I noticed just a bit of blood and but not fresh and no pain so I waited to see if it would happen again. It did the next morning, so I went into hospital. They couldn't see anything on the ultrasound - the sac was either too small or I'd passed it already so they said to come back on Wednesday (today) for another scan and blood test.

But yesterday I started bleeding heavily and I knew it was all over.

I tossed up between staying at home at going to work.

At home I'd just feel awful and be alone - at work I'd be surrounded by health professionals and had a half day meeting anyway - it would be a good distraction.

So I went to work, and spent the day sitting in meetings, having a miscarriage.



I'm feeling okay today. It's common, it's probably an indication that something wasn't right.

I felt bad telling my mum as she was really upset - she's had such a bad year and I told her as soon as I found out so she had something positive to hold onto, and so she had something good to tell my grandma before she died.

It's okay. It's just time to start again.

And then...

Perth was great - it was nice to get away.

My grandma passed away yesterday on Mothers Day. I'm sad - she was my only grandparent - I'm also really worried about Mum as she's lost her sister and mother very close together. She's very, very low right now.