http://m.youtube.com/index?desktop_uri=%2F&gl=AU#/watch?v=PRCuAVzJdKA

I can eat: cruskits and butter, fruit, yogurt and sparkling water. I can't bare to cook, eat meat or fish, or even smell any kitchen smells. I have so many work events this time of year and have to hide this! I feel so sick.

So tired all the time with this pregnancy. Tired of work, need to be more masculine regarding getting this promotion. I've been pathetic and have gotten nowhere and I'll always regret it if I go off on maternity leave without getting promoted. I'll never get promoted if that happens.

Excited about Tori and Kate's upcoming albums.

Love Goyte. Can't get "Somebody that I used to know" out of my head.

Work is insane. I want to escape. Too much.

The Ship Song project

The Ship Song Project - Sydney Opera House reinterprets Nick Cave's iconic song.

Performed by Neil Finn, Kev Carmody and The Australian Ballet, Sarah Blasko, John Bell, Angus and Julia Stone, Paul Kelly and Bangarra Dance Theatre, Teddy Tahu Rhodes and Opera Australia, Martha Wainwright, Katie Noonan and The Sydney Symphony, The Temper Trap, Daniel Johns and the Australian Chamber Orchestra.

Love these songs...

Go for it.

Hubby really made me think after I went through some of my issues with him. He never pretends to be nice - he just says what he thinks - even if it seems harsh at first.

He told me I overthink and if I really want something, I just have to do it. If I keep thinking too much and being all unsure, I either don't have the drive or don't deserve it. He said I can either accept that I'm weak and accept that I won't ever get to the top of my game, because of being weak, or I can just be ruthless and get off my arse and go for it.

He's so right. If I think too much and don't just strive, I don't deserve to be the best. The really high achievers push and push and don't worry about all the crap I worry about - including having to feel important and having people make me feel certain ways - it's pathetic.

You know, these last few days I've really had a think about who cares about me.

I have friends, and plenty of people like me, but few are truly there for me - no matter what.

I shouldn't waste my thoughts on those who like me but who aren't there for me. It just hurts me when I feel they're all hot and cold and when they sometimes are wonderful and sometimes don't seem to care. I can't take that anymore.

I know who the special ones are - the ones who truly care. I will care for them and not let the others get anywhere near me.

So - I am no longer under anyone's spell. I give as much as I care to. I love as much as I need to. I am loyal and grateful as much as I should be.

Breathe Me...

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

in other news...

I don't normally talk work issues here, and I won't go into any details, but after the last two days of work retreat-type stuff, I have really worked out that I need to start making serious decisions and pushing for what benefits my career. I can't stay where I am because it's comfortable and because I like certain people.

It's pathetic and it's just going to stagnate me.

And it's also going to hurt me - very badly - because I might be loyal to those I care about, I might admire or look up to people, I might be happy doing anything they say, but I can't trust them to be loyal to me and act entirely in my best interests. It would be naive to do that.

I have to ask to move on up.

Hubby tells me that until I get the guts to open my mouth and ask for what i want, I don't deserve to be a manager on that level. He says that despite all the crap I complain about with it being a man's world, I need to quit thinking and start doing, because that's just the way things are, and if I know that and don't compete or adapt, I'll just get left behind.

In other words, I shouldn't be a nice girl, doing nice work and making someone else look good - I should "man up" and get the recognition I deserve.

He's right.

Gawd - I'm such a girl though. (This kind of shit, this kind of thinking, is why I'll never be happy).

Keeping my head above water

I will not crash.

I have an amazing life.
I have totally made it.

I won't focus on the failure, the numerous longings and the pointless 4kg I'm now carrying, I will focus on my wonderful life.

Song of Solomon

Song of Solomon (Director's Cut version)



Kate's new album came out. I've listened online over and over and I love it. It took time - just like all her music - particularly since she's re-working songs so loved.

Song of Solomon is one which I think sounds even better than originally.

Starting over...

My emotions have been everywhere in recent weeks.

I had a miscarriage - I was 6 weeks pregnant. Almost.

On Saturday I noticed just a bit of blood and but not fresh and no pain so I waited to see if it would happen again. It did the next morning, so I went into hospital. They couldn't see anything on the ultrasound - the sac was either too small or I'd passed it already so they said to come back on Wednesday (today) for another scan and blood test.

But yesterday I started bleeding heavily and I knew it was all over.

I tossed up between staying at home at going to work.

At home I'd just feel awful and be alone - at work I'd be surrounded by health professionals and had a half day meeting anyway - it would be a good distraction.

So I went to work, and spent the day sitting in meetings, having a miscarriage.



I'm feeling okay today. It's common, it's probably an indication that something wasn't right.

I felt bad telling my mum as she was really upset - she's had such a bad year and I told her as soon as I found out so she had something positive to hold onto, and so she had something good to tell my grandma before she died.

It's okay. It's just time to start again.

And then...

Perth was great - it was nice to get away.

My grandma passed away yesterday on Mothers Day. I'm sad - she was my only grandparent - I'm also really worried about Mum as she's lost her sister and mother very close together. She's very, very low right now.

Getting away

I'm hoping that a week without sitting in front of a computer all day helps my shoulder. I hate having this constant pain - getting it massaged or treated only helps for a couple of hours and then the pain is back.

The physio told me that there's no nerves involved and that it's quite treatable - I have to see him another couple of times when I get back from the Easter holidays.

I've realised that hubby is hopeless at trying to massage my back for me! He has no patience and doesn't listen. Anyway!

I'm looking forward to getting away. It'll be a nice break.

I forgot to write about my concert last week - it went really well - the music is beautiful and has, for the first time, been swimming through my head all week.

I'm entering a dance comp in a few weeks - looking forward to it - have ordered a dress from Egypt and fingers crossed it arrives on time.

Anyway, our plane leaves this evening and I have lots to do - we're getting our floorboards sanded and polished while we're away and I have to pack those rooms up. I haven't even thought about packing my suitcase yet!

I've been really down lately, it'll be a nice distraction to get away.

Have a safe and happy Easter. x

Just because it's so very pretty...

Shoulders

I've had to have two massages this week - my shoulders are just so sore! They're still not right.
Perhaps I need to see a physio. I dunno - it hurts and it's been this way for the last three months. I just feel really tense.

Sitting in front of a computer all day at work doesn't help.

I really need another massage!

I'll be your best friend...

I understand that struggle with friendship.

I hang around people I went to school with. They're my "friends".

Except that I'm not that young anymore and school was 15 years ago and yes, I have made friends since, but I don't feel the same sense of belonging with another group.

It's as if I had to form a friendship group at school, because that's what happens, and since then, I never developed the ability to form friendships.

Don't get me wrong - I have friends.
I make friends easily.
I'll even say that I'm fairly popular and well-liked.

But I haven't yet worked out how to straddle that leap between someone who I hang out with, play with on a daily basis even, and someone who I am really good friends with who I can call and chat with anytime, who I can ask to meet me somewhere on the weekend, who I can invite over for a cup of tea and a good, close chat about things that are real.

I don't have that.

And I envy the easy way that Hubby manages to do this. It's so foreign to me. He meets someone, establishes rapport, and suddenly we're invited to their place for dinner, and he's going out for drinks, and they're at our place in the pool, and he's on the phone having a long chat every couple of days. It happens all the time to him.

How do you even do that?

I keep thinking that I'm annoying people when I try to hang around them too much.

I tend to have two issues.
With people who I really want to hang out with, I'm never sure that they really want to hang out with me. With people who I don't mind too much, but can't handle too much of - they keep bugging me and I have to push them back. I'm worried that I'm going to be one of the ones who is bugging someone I really like.

I feel like every time I make moves to be closer friends with someone, that some invisible barrier goes up. And they seem so slippery and I can't figure out why.

Maybe I'm trying to be friends with the wrong people. Maybe I'm attracted to the wrong types of friends - people who see me as amusement or entertainment rather than people who genuinely want to spend time with me - who genuinely care about me.

Actually, I have no idea what I'm talking about. Only that it's a strange struggle to be surrounded by people and still feel like I'm on the outside looking in. I'm one of those lonely people who are very busy and constantly with people.

I feel envious of people who make close friendships without thinking.

You know, I'm glad I got into a relationship with Hubby as a teenager and never really had to date much.

I'd have been rubbish at it.

It all makes me reflect on how important closeness and intimacy has been to me - because it's been so rare in my life - it's so very precious.

The Ship Song

by Amanda Palmer aka Mrs Neil Gaiman.

Day 13 - A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days (write a letter.)

Dear Kate Bush,

I first heard you when your single "Rubberband Girl" was being played on Rage. It must've been 1993. I remember your insane dancing and I thought that I too want to be a Rubberband Girl - someone who can take it all and bounce back.

It wasn't until I was around 15, however, that I heard "Wuthering Heights" on Triple J. I must've been reading the book around the same time, and like most emo-teens, the book had struck a chord. That song captured the emotions perfectly. You were so different to anything else I'd ever heard. You came into my life like some ethereal being and your music cut through all the crap I hated - I'd always gone around feeling different to everyone else, and feeling that everyone was plastic and just didn't get it - and you seemed to really get it.

I was in love.

By a complete stroke of luck, I found your "Live at Hammersmith Odeon" album in a discount bin in an old record store. It cost $10 - perfect for a povo teen.
Even though I'd never been in a relationship, the song "Moving" had the chorus:

How I'm moved.
How you move me
With your beauty's potency.
You give me life.
Please don't let me go.
You crush the lily in my soul.

It was exactly what I wanted to feel - that feeling of seduction.
It captivated me.

"Them Heavy People" reminded me of a teacher from highschool who I was obsessed with - he was the smartest man I'd ever met. I felt sorry for him (he was very plain and a total geek) but looked forward to his classes each week - he was just so interesting and I learnt so much about religion and philosophy from him to a level that I've never learnt anywhere since. "So now I take the opportunities/ Wonderful teachers ready to teach me..."

I then bought the album The Kick Inside.

I heard Saxophone Song and the line "You'll never know that you had all of me. You'll never see the poetry you stirred in me" has stuck with me since - even though at the time, I'd still never been in a relationship. "The Man with the Child in his Eyes" told me about some mysterious man who would come and take me away and love me. "Feel it" was everything I wanted to feel and desire - a wonderful seduction:



"Never for Ever" brought some silliness in the form of "Violin". I grew up playing the violin and loved that playful side to her.

I loved Kate's dark side too.
"The Dreaming" album was crazy and from the gut. "The Night of the Swallow" was full of desperation while "Get out of my House" was just complete despair - like she was actually sobbing with pain. No one else expressed this depth of feeling - but I had felt it - I felt it all.



The "Hounds of Love" album was sheer brilliance.

"The Sensual World" album was so very female. The title song was another wonderful seduction and just so clever, while "Never Be Mine" and "This Woman's Work" made me cry.

"The Red Shoes" had the song "Moments of Pleasure" which still brings a tear.

Just being alive
It can really hurt
And these moments given
Are a gift from time

I was so happy when, years later, and for the first time since I'd been a fan (even though I'd been a fan for years), she brought out "Aerial". It's the last album I bought in physical form - 6 years ago.

"Bertie" made me feel the sheer joy of a child - and made me long for that type of joy - while it took many listens of "Mrs Bartolozzi" for me to realise what she was actually singing about - and now the song gives me shivers up my spine - it's just so powerful.

The second concept side to the album had two seductions - "Sunset" and Nocturn". Love and bliss.

I thank Kate Bush for being able to capture how I feel - and how I want to feel.

The highs, the lows, the craziness, the despair - and all the love, love, love, love.


I'm glad she's back.

Listen