I have to forgive people who have done something unbearably hurtful to my family. Torn things apart. Created a mess that cannot be fixed. I can't describe the hurt when someone dies and there's still no scope for forgiveness.
The follow-on effects of selfish decisions are endless.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for
I have to forgive myself for relentlessly wanting more.
I really don’t like that I’m like this, but I’ve always been this way, I can’t change (I can control my behaviour, but not my thoughts/dreams/desires).
I need to accept myself and accept that this is me, it’s who I am and who I will always be.
Maybe if I learn to embrace it and learn to redirect it, I’ll learn to be happier.
I really don’t like that I’m like this, but I’ve always been this way, I can’t change (I can control my behaviour, but not my thoughts/dreams/desires).
I need to accept myself and accept that this is me, it’s who I am and who I will always be.
Maybe if I learn to embrace it and learn to redirect it, I’ll learn to be happier.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Thirty Day of Truth: Day 2 - Something you love about yourself
This will sound very vain, but I love my face.
Don't get me wrong - I see plenty of flaws and there's no way I can compete with youth, but I like my face - including all lines, dimples, freckles and scars. I've grown into it and feel far prettier at 31 than at 21, even though I know I'm not.
I even love my temperamental hair.
I have dramatic, expressive eyes (so I'm told) and I love playing with eye make-up. I love my defined cheekbones, well-shaped nose, high forehead and full mouth.
I know I should pick my quick mind, my broad talents, my many achievements, my deep ability to love, my sense of resilience etc. But I'm not choosing any of those, even though I probably should.
Despite everything I've fought for and worked on and pushed myself to achieve, my face has given me more opportunities than anything else.
And I love that I'm not afraid to admit that.
Don't get me wrong - I see plenty of flaws and there's no way I can compete with youth, but I like my face - including all lines, dimples, freckles and scars. I've grown into it and feel far prettier at 31 than at 21, even though I know I'm not.
I even love my temperamental hair.
I have dramatic, expressive eyes (so I'm told) and I love playing with eye make-up. I love my defined cheekbones, well-shaped nose, high forehead and full mouth.
I know I should pick my quick mind, my broad talents, my many achievements, my deep ability to love, my sense of resilience etc. But I'm not choosing any of those, even though I probably should.
Despite everything I've fought for and worked on and pushed myself to achieve, my face has given me more opportunities than anything else.
And I love that I'm not afraid to admit that.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Thirty Days of Truth: Day 1 - Something you hate about yourself
Am borrowing this clever idea from April.
Memes are useful for sparking me to write and think and I often have trouble know where to start when I write.
The list of questions are here.
I hate that I suck at being a normal friend.
It's true, I'm socially demented. I'm not shy, I'm not unpopular - in fact, I'm probably the opposite of both. I make friends easily and have a solid group of long term friends, but I'm not very good at fostering those day-to-day relationships.
I get jealous really easily when I feel I like someone more than they like me and when they seem to like someone else more than me.
I feel weird and uncomfortable asking people to hang out with me, one on one (as if I'm a 5 year old saying "do you want to be my friend?") even though I have no trouble hanging around and talking to anyone.
I feel like I'm always on the periphery looking in.
A loner who can't stand being alone.
I hate that I'm 31 and still haven't developed basic playground skills.
Memes are useful for sparking me to write and think and I often have trouble know where to start when I write.
The list of questions are here.
I hate that I suck at being a normal friend.
It's true, I'm socially demented. I'm not shy, I'm not unpopular - in fact, I'm probably the opposite of both. I make friends easily and have a solid group of long term friends, but I'm not very good at fostering those day-to-day relationships.
I get jealous really easily when I feel I like someone more than they like me and when they seem to like someone else more than me.
I feel weird and uncomfortable asking people to hang out with me, one on one (as if I'm a 5 year old saying "do you want to be my friend?") even though I have no trouble hanging around and talking to anyone.
I feel like I'm always on the periphery looking in.
A loner who can't stand being alone.
I hate that I'm 31 and still haven't developed basic playground skills.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Be careful what you wish for...
Two things.
1. I got into the choir. It's wonderful - beautiful music, very talented people, a wonderful director - I will learn a lot and enjoy it a lot but eeek! - one evening a week is now gone.
2. I might be getting promoted in the next couple of months. It's double edged sword as I'm not sure if it's a good thing from a "quality of life" perspective.
I'm good at lots of things. Brilliant at none.
I feel compelled to keep involving myself in lots of things but will never be great at any one thing. I'm always busy but I can't stop and I'll never really be good enough anyway - so why do I keep doing this?
It's something I've noticed about myself for years now.
And it makes me sad.
1. I got into the choir. It's wonderful - beautiful music, very talented people, a wonderful director - I will learn a lot and enjoy it a lot but eeek! - one evening a week is now gone.
2. I might be getting promoted in the next couple of months. It's double edged sword as I'm not sure if it's a good thing from a "quality of life" perspective.
I'm good at lots of things. Brilliant at none.
I feel compelled to keep involving myself in lots of things but will never be great at any one thing. I'm always busy but I can't stop and I'll never really be good enough anyway - so why do I keep doing this?
It's something I've noticed about myself for years now.
And it makes me sad.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Over commitment
One thing i know i'm very talented at is over-committing.
I'm auditioning for a choir.
Rehearsals are from 7-10pm once a week and I'll need to go straight from work. That, on top of dance (which takes up my Thursday nights), teaching violin and piano and working full time in a fairly intense job will mean that I will go from having very little downtime to just about no downtime.
Why do I keep doing so many things?
I feel compelled.
I've just gone for a whole year without being in a choir and while I relished the free time, I missed it! I need to sing in a group and I've been on a constant search for a choir I feel happy singing in for the last 5 years. I hope this one is "the one".
Music - instruments, singing and dancing - draws me in. I have to do these things - it makes me feel in touch with...
...well, I'm not sure. Something. Some sort of connection. I love that feeling of being surrounded by music so that it's inside me, all around me - and the intimacy of getting to know a work while learning it in a group is like falling in love. To the point where there's grief after a concert because it'll never be same again - the piece is over. The wonderful work coming out of everyone and swirling around like harmonious magic.
I know, I sound like a weirdo arty lunatic.
It's weird that I love music so much but don't want it as a career. Even though I know i'm a good piano/violin teacher and would probably be able to run my own little music school. Also, teaching is one thing, doing it is another - teaching wouldn't be enough for me and it would drive me nuts. But I think having to work so damn hard to make music a career would take the joy out of it.
Besides, I'm not *that* talented!
I'm auditioning for a choir.
Rehearsals are from 7-10pm once a week and I'll need to go straight from work. That, on top of dance (which takes up my Thursday nights), teaching violin and piano and working full time in a fairly intense job will mean that I will go from having very little downtime to just about no downtime.
Why do I keep doing so many things?
I feel compelled.
I've just gone for a whole year without being in a choir and while I relished the free time, I missed it! I need to sing in a group and I've been on a constant search for a choir I feel happy singing in for the last 5 years. I hope this one is "the one".
Music - instruments, singing and dancing - draws me in. I have to do these things - it makes me feel in touch with...
...well, I'm not sure. Something. Some sort of connection. I love that feeling of being surrounded by music so that it's inside me, all around me - and the intimacy of getting to know a work while learning it in a group is like falling in love. To the point where there's grief after a concert because it'll never be same again - the piece is over. The wonderful work coming out of everyone and swirling around like harmonious magic.
I know, I sound like a weirdo arty lunatic.
It's weird that I love music so much but don't want it as a career. Even though I know i'm a good piano/violin teacher and would probably be able to run my own little music school. Also, teaching is one thing, doing it is another - teaching wouldn't be enough for me and it would drive me nuts. But I think having to work so damn hard to make music a career would take the joy out of it.
Besides, I'm not *that* talented!